I’m sorry Lord. I’ve failed you. I’m sorry to cry over something you took away from me. I’m sorry for not being able to see the greater cause. I promise, I’m not hopeless. I just can’t let go. And it belittles me not being strong enough to understand the vision. I’m just human after all. And I needed to learn that people come and go in our life. We can’t choose who’s coming and who’s leaving. We don’t decide how they’re coming and why they’re leaving. All we have to do is stay grateful. Because our future US deserves the greatest version of ourselves.
But here I am, writing poem for my soul. Escaping reality, reliving fantasy… Asking questions like : How am I still trying to find excuses for you ? Why don’t I want you to fall from your pedestal ? It’s like everybody knew we were destined to fail. It’s like I knew deep down that we weren’t meant to be. But somehow, I convinced myself otherwise.
How are we not meant for each other when we’re so perfect together ? How are we not made for each other when we make things look so easy ? How can we be so close when we are so far ? How can I not be enough for you when you’re all that I know ? So I guess I pretended we were a match made in heaven, just like I’m pretending now that I’m not hurt. But I am.
I don’t feel dumb. I feel like I loved and it was as beautiful as this pain is excruciating. I went from having all the boxes of my list checked to feeling lost and confused. I went from this feeling of plenitude, of joy, to pain and sadness huddling together to crowd my heart. My soul is empty and my mind cloudy. I thought I was wandering but I was lost.
I’m confused. Betrayed. Frustrated.
I’m where I was before. Before I knew you. Before I knew there could be an after you. So I guess I’ll pretend a little more. I’ll pretend that I forgive you. Until I do.
Because that’s what grown up do.
I feel like I have to find myself. I feel like I need to get to know that person in front of me. Stranger can you hear me ? Cause I feel like I know you. But I’m drowning in confusion. Not in a negative way, not that I’m lost, but more like I forgot some parts of me that were redefined by me loving you.
It’s like I had chosen my poison. My eyes are puffy and red. But I didn’t cry. That’s just what sleepless nights look like.
I don’t think about forever. 365×3 ! That’s 1095 ! And when the bubble will explode, I’ll get to the realization that it’s funny but we do heal. It’s really true that we move on, that the pain just diminish and the memories fade away. It takes time but we get used to every situation. We start to smile and we forget about why we were mad. We move forward and forgive what made us sad.
But do we come out of things stronger ? Does that keep us from making the same mistakes ? I’m not good at philosophy. I just ask random questions about the things I can’t get ahold of.
So here to the smiles that made me forget all my cries.